- You cannot afford to both heat an old, oil-heated house and eat. You'll probably go hungry to save your pipes from freezing. Using your dog for heat at night isn't as weird as it sounds.
- You define the width of your driveway on the first shoveling of the year. The snow will not melt; it simply turns into ice. For every fresh snow, another two inches will be added to your retaining wall of ice bookmarking your driveway. At the point you realize it's becoming difficult to turn into your driveway, it's already game over. That 4-5 feet high frozen entryway that now flanks your driveway isn't shrinking until April.
- Remember when you'd only have to walk five blocks to work and mocked your coworkers whose commutes turned into white-knuckled drives of an hour or more? Karma.
- If a kid offers to shovel your snow, don't let them. Just give them $5. It's not worth the frustration of paying to have a child just push a shovel around for awhile without actually achieving anything.
- Every night your fireplace isn't in use is a wasted night.
- Sometimes the pipes freeze anyway. Broken pipes are best fixed with liquor. Don't bother calling a plumber. Just drink. The problem eventually goes away on its own.
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Things I Learned My First Winter of Home Ownership in Upstate New York
Sunday, February 15, 2015
Real-Life Chandler Bing Watches Friends to Learn Who Chandler Is
I watched an episode of Friends once in grad school. People seem to reference it, so I thought it would make me part of their inside jokes. The only thing I remembered was that one of the characters was named Joey - and even that was probably because I'd heard his name referenced in conversation before. But then last night I was sent a link to Buzzfeed's list of 44 Reasons Why You're Chandler Bing. It was me. Uncannily me. Except for the blurting things out in public - that's simply a gimmick for laughs the writers use and doesn't actually occur in real life, right? But the fact that apparently all sarcasm is the default response to all uncomfortable social interactions, and he makes all interactions uncomfortable, is spot on.
The next morning I found myself at the grocery store mocking Minute Rice (something to the effect of, "instant rice: for people who want to make food, but not really.") I looked up to see if anyone overheard me, and then realized I fully embodied whatever traits this list described. Including saying things out loud without full realization at the time of pronouncement. Except for #18 (taking bubble baths) - normal-sized adults don't actually fit in bathtubs. Fact.
So I decided to watch an episode of Friends and compare Chandler's life to my own, as this would be a better metric than Buzzfeed's approach of "let's take funny things he says and boil those quips down to an entire personality." Desiring academic rigor, I placed a few parameters on which episode to watch. The show ran ten seasons, so I'd select something from season five; character has been developed and is properly complex, but not so far along the writer's have become stale or the well has begun to run dry on his identity. Episode one is a reasonable place to start, as the show will be reintroducing Chandler for new viewers. For those keeping score at home, it's entitled "The One After Ross Says Rachel."
:25 - Pausing. I let my dog eat some feta cheese and a rawhide this morning. No, I can't explain the feta. One or both just made him throw up. Have to pick this up before he reconsumes. We're off to a good start.
:30 - Pausing again to make sure I know which character I'm watching for. Did you know that Matthew Perry has been in a number of things I've never seen? Quite the illustrious career.
2:15 - Episode starts with an awkward wedding scene with no context. Chandler suggests the exchange of vows could have been worse, as Ross could have shot Emily during the exchange. Truthful, though not particularly insightful.
2:45 - I think. That may have been Joey. They look generically alike so far. Was probably Chandler because the laugh track suggested the observation was witty.
5:45 - Chandler tells a nice-looking woman in a red dress to meet him in the wine cellar downstairs for some hanky panky. Things that I cannot relate to.
Trying to be Buzzfeedy. Here's a random screen capture with a remark. Maybe I'll follow it up with a gif farther down.
5:55 - She appears to be an integral part of the show. Wikipedia suggests Monica is a main character. She sets to downstairs to meet Chandler.
6:45 - Chandler reappears and is heaping food onto a plate at the buffet. Nothing happened. That's fair - in comparing what my outcome would have been, different journey, same result.
8:00 - Just a note that no character was ever properly introduced and that I'm as lost with episode one as I would be with episode 15.
10:00 - There appears to be an extensive plot revolving around Chandler and Monica trying to find a place to have sex. So far there have been three failed attempts.
11:00 - Four. How unresourceful is this man that he can't find a private place in a hotel? It's literally a structure of nothing but private rooms. I could find a room in a hotel.
Chandler and Monica gif a la Buzzfeedy format.
15:00 - Chandler flies first class. Elitist.
16:00 - Chandler was going to meet Monica in the bathroom to join the mile high club, but instead engages in conversation with Joey long enough to drink three shooters of liquor. I respect this decision.
18:00 - Is finally alone with Monica in her apartment. Brief, awkward conversation ensues about what they did (it - they did it) in London. They decide it was nice, and then hug. Chandler follows up hug with... a high five. Starting to relate now.
18:30 - Comes back. Scores girl. No longer relating.
Show ends. My introduction to Chandler consists of him running around trying to get laid and ends in success. And it's not that awkward. I am not Chandler Bing. Buzzfeed lied.
The next morning I found myself at the grocery store mocking Minute Rice (something to the effect of, "instant rice: for people who want to make food, but not really.") I looked up to see if anyone overheard me, and then realized I fully embodied whatever traits this list described. Including saying things out loud without full realization at the time of pronouncement. Except for #18 (taking bubble baths) - normal-sized adults don't actually fit in bathtubs. Fact.
So I decided to watch an episode of Friends and compare Chandler's life to my own, as this would be a better metric than Buzzfeed's approach of "let's take funny things he says and boil those quips down to an entire personality." Desiring academic rigor, I placed a few parameters on which episode to watch. The show ran ten seasons, so I'd select something from season five; character has been developed and is properly complex, but not so far along the writer's have become stale or the well has begun to run dry on his identity. Episode one is a reasonable place to start, as the show will be reintroducing Chandler for new viewers. For those keeping score at home, it's entitled "The One After Ross Says Rachel."
:25 - Pausing. I let my dog eat some feta cheese and a rawhide this morning. No, I can't explain the feta. One or both just made him throw up. Have to pick this up before he reconsumes. We're off to a good start.
:30 - Pausing again to make sure I know which character I'm watching for. Did you know that Matthew Perry has been in a number of things I've never seen? Quite the illustrious career.
2:15 - Episode starts with an awkward wedding scene with no context. Chandler suggests the exchange of vows could have been worse, as Ross could have shot Emily during the exchange. Truthful, though not particularly insightful.
2:45 - I think. That may have been Joey. They look generically alike so far. Was probably Chandler because the laugh track suggested the observation was witty.
5:45 - Chandler tells a nice-looking woman in a red dress to meet him in the wine cellar downstairs for some hanky panky. Things that I cannot relate to.
Chandler always explains his emotions while waving a giant spoon.
Trying to be Buzzfeedy. Here's a random screen capture with a remark. Maybe I'll follow it up with a gif farther down.
5:55 - She appears to be an integral part of the show. Wikipedia suggests Monica is a main character. She sets to downstairs to meet Chandler.
6:45 - Chandler reappears and is heaping food onto a plate at the buffet. Nothing happened. That's fair - in comparing what my outcome would have been, different journey, same result.
8:00 - Just a note that no character was ever properly introduced and that I'm as lost with episode one as I would be with episode 15.
10:00 - There appears to be an extensive plot revolving around Chandler and Monica trying to find a place to have sex. So far there have been three failed attempts.
11:00 - Four. How unresourceful is this man that he can't find a private place in a hotel? It's literally a structure of nothing but private rooms. I could find a room in a hotel.
Chandler and Monica gif a la Buzzfeedy format.
15:00 - Chandler flies first class. Elitist.
16:00 - Chandler was going to meet Monica in the bathroom to join the mile high club, but instead engages in conversation with Joey long enough to drink three shooters of liquor. I respect this decision.
18:00 - Is finally alone with Monica in her apartment. Brief, awkward conversation ensues about what they did (it - they did it) in London. They decide it was nice, and then hug. Chandler follows up hug with... a high five. Starting to relate now.
18:30 - Comes back. Scores girl. No longer relating.
Show ends. My introduction to Chandler consists of him running around trying to get laid and ends in success. And it's not that awkward. I am not Chandler Bing. Buzzfeed lied.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Chickens In Pots; A TV In Every Living Room
An abundance of poor is necessary to enable the comfort of the rich. Voltaire said something like that. When the rich lack comfort, they set their eyes upon foreign lands. GE best prospers when Cambodia is being bombed and Marines are in Haiti. The military industrial complex prospers during conflict, but uncertain outcome of conflict threatens the nation. The rich must remain satiated to prevent new war. I suppose in that vein, our national security has been most at risk in those moments that threatened the institution of poverty itself.
In the mid 19th century, the fall of slavery provided the promise transcendence, but that's bullshit. The whip was traded for the noose, and the black populace remained enslaved. No major wars following Civil War, killing of natives continued but that was status quo.
The mid 20th century threatened everything. The GI bill provided the opportunity of education to the masses of returning soldiers, depriving society of an easily exploitable poor. The unions also gained power in the mid 20th century, and shooting union members fell out of fashion. The rich were forced to waste resources on improving working conditions. South Korea.
This is why the Vietnam War was so important. Imagine millions of young people, sitting in the quads of universities across the nation. Plotting. Organizing. Smoking weed and spreading anti-establishment bullshit. They had to be sent overseas to be killed. The further profiteering was merely a bonus, the important outcome was to break down a potentially explosive movement. No one returns from military service the same.
It's not enough to keep the poor abundant, they must also be controlled. The only thing that saved us during the rise of the middle class was the ability to pit the newly formed middle class against the poor. Race riots and the drug wars.
With the natural dismemberment of the middle class over the past two decades, new means for controlling the poor must be established. High society lacks the intestinal fortitude of its forefathers to enforce the obedience of the poor through violence. Imprisonment has become increasingly less frightening; conditions are more agreeable than ever; warm food and a bed can be had by all in this institution. If there is no fear and no middle class buffer, there is nothing to protect the rich from the poor. New methods must be established.
Aldous Huxley shows us how - control through the use of sex and narcotics. Technology has allowed these to be combined in new mediums; media. The tv provides escape, and young men can be distracted by the gaming consoles connected to them. Put a tv and Playstation in the living room of every housing project and crack den in America. The aim is not to brainwash, the goal is thought evacuation. Sometimes the poor will steal from each other, but if everyone is provided the same, the market will be saturated and the incentives to steal removed. Everyone must receive a television and cable. No one can be allowed to go without.
If we can devise methods to shuffle young men to and from work while filling idle time with these distractions, the rich can remain in comfort. The women can be oft be counted on to take care of themselves. Ensure the poor girls continue getting pregnant at early ages before they can attain education. Keep abortion difficult to access, if not illegal. Children are the most important impediment to success.
--------
The economist says giving people food for free decreases incentives to work. The activist says we must help those who lack the means to help themselves; think of the children.
It's interesting that people in America still go hungry. Not to say it's surprising. None of your elected officials have experienced hunger. To be hungry is awful, to die of hunger is an awful, painful, miserable experience. I have never died of hunger. Biden grew up comfortably middle class. Obama has a compelling backstory, but was never hungry. No current US Senator has experienced a lack of sleep stemming from hunger pangs. They don't know what it's like to pray for sleep to take away the pain. This is an important distinction. The poor do not provide the money for politicians to be elected, the rich do. We must continue electing politicians unable to empathize with the poor.
And what if no one was hungry? What if all citizens felt they led lives worth living? Then who would fight our wars? It's the proposition of a dangerous world with no honor.
In the mid 19th century, the fall of slavery provided the promise transcendence, but that's bullshit. The whip was traded for the noose, and the black populace remained enslaved. No major wars following Civil War, killing of natives continued but that was status quo.
The mid 20th century threatened everything. The GI bill provided the opportunity of education to the masses of returning soldiers, depriving society of an easily exploitable poor. The unions also gained power in the mid 20th century, and shooting union members fell out of fashion. The rich were forced to waste resources on improving working conditions. South Korea.
This is why the Vietnam War was so important. Imagine millions of young people, sitting in the quads of universities across the nation. Plotting. Organizing. Smoking weed and spreading anti-establishment bullshit. They had to be sent overseas to be killed. The further profiteering was merely a bonus, the important outcome was to break down a potentially explosive movement. No one returns from military service the same.
It's not enough to keep the poor abundant, they must also be controlled. The only thing that saved us during the rise of the middle class was the ability to pit the newly formed middle class against the poor. Race riots and the drug wars.
With the natural dismemberment of the middle class over the past two decades, new means for controlling the poor must be established. High society lacks the intestinal fortitude of its forefathers to enforce the obedience of the poor through violence. Imprisonment has become increasingly less frightening; conditions are more agreeable than ever; warm food and a bed can be had by all in this institution. If there is no fear and no middle class buffer, there is nothing to protect the rich from the poor. New methods must be established.
Aldous Huxley shows us how - control through the use of sex and narcotics. Technology has allowed these to be combined in new mediums; media. The tv provides escape, and young men can be distracted by the gaming consoles connected to them. Put a tv and Playstation in the living room of every housing project and crack den in America. The aim is not to brainwash, the goal is thought evacuation. Sometimes the poor will steal from each other, but if everyone is provided the same, the market will be saturated and the incentives to steal removed. Everyone must receive a television and cable. No one can be allowed to go without.
If we can devise methods to shuffle young men to and from work while filling idle time with these distractions, the rich can remain in comfort. The women can be oft be counted on to take care of themselves. Ensure the poor girls continue getting pregnant at early ages before they can attain education. Keep abortion difficult to access, if not illegal. Children are the most important impediment to success.
--------
The economist says giving people food for free decreases incentives to work. The activist says we must help those who lack the means to help themselves; think of the children.
It's interesting that people in America still go hungry. Not to say it's surprising. None of your elected officials have experienced hunger. To be hungry is awful, to die of hunger is an awful, painful, miserable experience. I have never died of hunger. Biden grew up comfortably middle class. Obama has a compelling backstory, but was never hungry. No current US Senator has experienced a lack of sleep stemming from hunger pangs. They don't know what it's like to pray for sleep to take away the pain. This is an important distinction. The poor do not provide the money for politicians to be elected, the rich do. We must continue electing politicians unable to empathize with the poor.
And what if no one was hungry? What if all citizens felt they led lives worth living? Then who would fight our wars? It's the proposition of a dangerous world with no honor.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Facebook's Value
is currently $19.41. Maybe it would be worth more if it was good for
more than just two things: attention-seeking (which is why all my blog posts get posted on my Facebook), and stalking. It's also
good for shorting (back to talking stock prices), but that's only
because investors are apparently as deft as we knew they were. Within
the attention-seeking value of Facebook we identify two subgroups:
complaining (e.g., feel bad for me, this thing happened and I wasn't
willing to confront the perpetrator because I was scared and/or it
wasn't societally acceptable so I'm foisting it upon you instead, etc.)
and braggadociousness (e.g., my use of 'braggadociousness' is pretty
fucking awesome). In this note I do both, because, as has been
established via myriad mediums, I'm pretty awesome.
So I ran the Turning Stone half marathon this morning, and it really reinforced how big of assholes runners are. After the race I watched the finals of a four day billiards tournament, got some chow, and just wandered around watching old people transfer their children's inheritance to some Indian Nation one 50¢ lever pull at a time. By this point I'd changed, sporting a nondescript t-shirt, shorts, and sandals. Yet I kept seeing people walking around with their numbers still safety pinned to their shirts and wearing the medal around their necks (every finisher gets a medal - it's like an elementary school track meet). Good job, you finished, congratulations. But seriously, you look like an asshole wearing that ribbon around your neck. Besides, it's heavy and the ribbon has sharp threads poking out. It can't be comfortable. You're uncomfortable to boot? That makes you an asshole and an idiot. I'm not impressed.
The reason I'm not impressed is because I beat you (get ready for the complaining-to-braggadociousness transition). How do I know I beat you? Because real runners win real hardware.
Now give me some likes.
So I ran the Turning Stone half marathon this morning, and it really reinforced how big of assholes runners are. After the race I watched the finals of a four day billiards tournament, got some chow, and just wandered around watching old people transfer their children's inheritance to some Indian Nation one 50¢ lever pull at a time. By this point I'd changed, sporting a nondescript t-shirt, shorts, and sandals. Yet I kept seeing people walking around with their numbers still safety pinned to their shirts and wearing the medal around their necks (every finisher gets a medal - it's like an elementary school track meet). Good job, you finished, congratulations. But seriously, you look like an asshole wearing that ribbon around your neck. Besides, it's heavy and the ribbon has sharp threads poking out. It can't be comfortable. You're uncomfortable to boot? That makes you an asshole and an idiot. I'm not impressed.
The reason I'm not impressed is because I beat you (get ready for the complaining-to-braggadociousness transition). How do I know I beat you? Because real runners win real hardware.
Now give me some likes.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Gimme Money (I've an Election to Win!)
Following Neil Munro of the Daily Caller's interruption of Obama and the gleeful support of a segment of 'conservatives,' I've given up on the prospect of civility ever returning to the national political arena. Maybe the answer is for Obama to start taking questions from the press. Actually, scratch that, I gave up when Joe Wilson became a fundraising champion after interrupting the State of the Union (did you know his wife actually admonished whoever yelled out at the President... before she found out it was her husband?). No, scratch that one too - I gave up when liberals squealed with glee after someone threw a shoe at Bush in Iraq. Well, whenever all my hope was supplanted with absolute cynicism, it's time to stop swimming against tide. There's more money to be made as an Olberman or Brit Hume than trying to promote something that isn't harmful to our democracy. So here's my media offering:
I'm willing to make inflammatory remarks about any political party or politician someone else believes is evil because their policy desires don't converge. Now someone give me a radio talk show to blather bullshit for a couple hours every afternoon.
I'm willing to make inflammatory remarks about any political party or politician someone else believes is evil because their policy desires don't converge. Now someone give me a radio talk show to blather bullshit for a couple hours every afternoon.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Full Cast of WTM Obstacles
I've been uploading descriptions of the World's Toughest Mudder piecemeal over the past couple weeks, and finally completed the endeavor. On December 17-18 I competed in this event in Englishtown, NJ. The 24 endurance race featured numerous obstacles and constant exposure to mud and water which rapidly whittled down the competition given the winter weather conditions. Most competitors dropped after the first 10-mile lap, and only 1% of the elite who qualified for the race actually completed it (for further perspective: of 50,000 to compete in a One Tough Mudder event this year, only 11 qualified for and completed the culminating event, the Toughest Mudder). Behold, my crude and embellished attempt to capture the obstacles encountered throughout the course.
World's Toughest Mudder Events
World's Toughest Mudder Events
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
In 360 days, this will still be video clip of the year.
Session started, which makes me said, but I got to watch this today, which made me very happy (skip to about second 30):
Thank you for this, internets, thank you.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Why Kansas >>>>> New York
A couple weeks ago, the following offshoot of conversation transpired on the Facebook:
Dave Toan October 8. Mark the Date.
September 7 at 3:08pm · Like · 2 people
Kathleen Digan no thats my birthday. you cant do this on my birthday.
September 7 at 3:08pm · Like · 1 person
Dave Toan OMG - I wondered why my idea was so perfect!
September 7 at 3:09pm · Like
Kathleen Digan not to be selfish...you are all clearly invited to stout on my birthday at stout that evening to see me drink the birthday jug.
September 7 at 3:09pm · Like · 1 person
Dave Toan Watching Nora hit 'like' is kinda creepy
September 7 at 3:10pm · Like
Dave Toan and you're invited to 'aroudn the world' after you finish your birthday jug at Stout.
September 7 at 3:10pm · Like
Kathleen Digan shut up you all know you need my organizational skills to plan it...i planned both the prom and the ball at my high school.
September 7 at 3:11pm · Like
Dave Toan Not having attended a school with a ball, I'm immediately skeptical of anyone who planned one. I once hosted a dorm-wide ping pong tournament, so, pretty much, suck it.
September 7 at 3:12pm · Like
Kathleen Digan im gonna come over to 18 and fight you dave. im wearing pearls and heels today, both of which i will use as weapons. be ready.
September 7 at 3:13pm · Like
Kathleen Digan (sarcasm font would be lovely to have for this thread)
September 7 at 3:15pm · Like
Dave Toan "Quick, Brendan James Boyle, call security - a minority is trying to infiltrate our corridors!"
September 7 at 3:17pm · Like
Kathleen Digan the sgt at arms love me dave. they will totes take my side over yours
September 7 at 3:18pm · Like
Dave Toan Maybe, but high school grammar teachers the world over hate you right now.
September 7 at 3:19pm · Like
Kathleen Digan oh wow i didn't know they taught grammar in kansas dave!
September 7 at 3:20pm · Like
Dave Toan http://law2.umkc.edu/faculty/projects/ftrials/states/uschartsat.html - If you scroll down to 'k' (that's the letter after 'j'), you'll find Kansas sitting at #4. But y'all tried hard too, I'm sure. SAT and ACT Average Scores by States law2.umkc.eduRanksings of states by SAT and ACT average scores.
September 7 at 3:26pm · Like ·
Kathleen Digan hey look its the grammar cowboy! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y_-o1P2WTKUKNOW-TV - The Grammar Cowboy
www.youtube.com
1991 - A University of Houston student edutainment project. "The Grammar Cowboy...
See More
September 7 at 3:26pm · Like
Nora Elizabeth dont you two have jobs?
September 7 at 3:30pm · Like · 1 person
Kathleen Digan Also nora, dave and I were taking part in important bi partisan bonding. This is your govt at work.
September 7 at 3:55pm · Like
Dave Toan ditto
September 7 at 4:00pm · Like
So then I started typing this: KS v. NY
I originally set out to prove how much greater Kansas was than New York using SAT scores, which are indicative of intelligence, which is indicative of likelihood to commit crime. But apparently KS has much greater crime rates than NY, so, fail.
Dave Toan October 8. Mark the Date.
September 7 at 3:08pm · Like · 2 people
Kathleen Digan no thats my birthday. you cant do this on my birthday.
September 7 at 3:08pm · Like · 1 person
Dave Toan OMG - I wondered why my idea was so perfect!
September 7 at 3:09pm · Like
Kathleen Digan not to be selfish...you are all clearly invited to stout on my birthday at stout that evening to see me drink the birthday jug.
September 7 at 3:09pm · Like · 1 person
Dave Toan Watching Nora hit 'like' is kinda creepy
September 7 at 3:10pm · Like
Dave Toan and you're invited to 'aroudn the world' after you finish your birthday jug at Stout.
September 7 at 3:10pm · Like
Kathleen Digan shut up you all know you need my organizational skills to plan it...i planned both the prom and the ball at my high school.
September 7 at 3:11pm · Like
Dave Toan Not having attended a school with a ball, I'm immediately skeptical of anyone who planned one. I once hosted a dorm-wide ping pong tournament, so, pretty much, suck it.
September 7 at 3:12pm · Like
Kathleen Digan im gonna come over to 18 and fight you dave. im wearing pearls and heels today, both of which i will use as weapons. be ready.
September 7 at 3:13pm · Like
Kathleen Digan (sarcasm font would be lovely to have for this thread)
September 7 at 3:15pm · Like
Dave Toan "Quick, Brendan James Boyle, call security - a minority is trying to infiltrate our corridors!"
September 7 at 3:17pm · Like
Kathleen Digan the sgt at arms love me dave. they will totes take my side over yours
September 7 at 3:18pm · Like
Dave Toan Maybe, but high school grammar teachers the world over hate you right now.
September 7 at 3:19pm · Like
Kathleen Digan oh wow i didn't know they taught grammar in kansas dave!
September 7 at 3:20pm · Like
Dave Toan http://law2.umkc.edu/faculty/projects/ftrials/states/uschartsat.html - If you scroll down to 'k' (that's the letter after 'j'), you'll find Kansas sitting at #4. But y'all tried hard too, I'm sure. SAT and ACT Average Scores by States law2.umkc.eduRanksings of states by SAT and ACT average scores.
September 7 at 3:26pm · Like ·
Kathleen Digan hey look its the grammar cowboy! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y_-o1P2WTKUKNOW-TV - The Grammar Cowboy
www.youtube.com
1991 - A University of Houston student edutainment project. "The Grammar Cowboy...
See More
September 7 at 3:26pm · Like
Nora Elizabeth dont you two have jobs?
September 7 at 3:30pm · Like · 1 person
Kathleen Digan Also nora, dave and I were taking part in important bi partisan bonding. This is your govt at work.
September 7 at 3:55pm · Like
Dave Toan ditto
September 7 at 4:00pm · Like
So then I started typing this: KS v. NY
I originally set out to prove how much greater Kansas was than New York using SAT scores, which are indicative of intelligence, which is indicative of likelihood to commit crime. But apparently KS has much greater crime rates than NY, so, fail.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Cage Jousting
I haven't been making any entries recently, which is attributable to nothing but laziness. I have more downtime both at work and in the evenings than ever before. I still don't feel like writing. Rather, I will be periodically transferring old entries on Facebook onto this medium; taking credit twice for something I wrote once. During a conversation with Jason, Thunderdome was referenced. It reminded me of this little diddy from my senior year of college. Enjoy:
In April we were sitting in Game Theory and learning about bidding. Apparently there is no good way to assign payoffs to two bidders who tie for the highest bid, so each person has their payoffs divided by two in mathematical solutions. I find this unacceptable. I first suggested Cage Match to determine winner, and then decided that jousting would be a better method. Five minutes later, I stumbled upon the most baller way ever to determine who wins: cage jousting. I then spent the day's lecture writing rules for game. The scenario we were discussing was bidding for tulips. Earlier today I found the notebook I recorded the rules in, and need to electronically record them before the notes go into a burn pile:
Rules for Cage Jousting
1. Two men enter, 1 exits.
2. Horses are not considered men.
3. Two horses enter.
4. 2, 1, or none horses exit.
5. Men must remain on horses: floor fighting off-limits.
6. It's not fair to knock another man's horse off-balance to get him on the ground.
7. If another man is aiming at your horse, he is not aiming for you. Hence, you have a free shot. If you cannot succeed in knocking him off, you suck.
8. If joust ends in tie, winning horse receives tulip.
9. .95 chance if you aim at horse, horse will eat you.
10. This .95 chance being eaten, combined with danger of leaving yourself open, makes aiming at horse very stupid.
11. Only Chuck Norris would aim at horse.
12. Chuck Norris does not lose cage joust.
13. This is strictly hypothetical - Chuck Norris would never bid for tulips.
In April we were sitting in Game Theory and learning about bidding. Apparently there is no good way to assign payoffs to two bidders who tie for the highest bid, so each person has their payoffs divided by two in mathematical solutions. I find this unacceptable. I first suggested Cage Match to determine winner, and then decided that jousting would be a better method. Five minutes later, I stumbled upon the most baller way ever to determine who wins: cage jousting. I then spent the day's lecture writing rules for game. The scenario we were discussing was bidding for tulips. Earlier today I found the notebook I recorded the rules in, and need to electronically record them before the notes go into a burn pile:
Rules for Cage Jousting
1. Two men enter, 1 exits.
2. Horses are not considered men.
3. Two horses enter.
4. 2, 1, or none horses exit.
5. Men must remain on horses: floor fighting off-limits.
6. It's not fair to knock another man's horse off-balance to get him on the ground.
7. If another man is aiming at your horse, he is not aiming for you. Hence, you have a free shot. If you cannot succeed in knocking him off, you suck.
8. If joust ends in tie, winning horse receives tulip.
9. .95 chance if you aim at horse, horse will eat you.
10. This .95 chance being eaten, combined with danger of leaving yourself open, makes aiming at horse very stupid.
11. Only Chuck Norris would aim at horse.
12. Chuck Norris does not lose cage joust.
13. This is strictly hypothetical - Chuck Norris would never bid for tulips.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Solutions for Americans, for America
This weekend I learned about the cottage industry of ‘day’ and ‘sleep away’ camp. For those of you growing up in real America and requiring a quick primer, ‘day camp’ is where you send children for the day, then pick them up in the evening. ‘Sleep away camp,’ however, entails actually going somewhere else and sleeping overnight. Both industries (if they can be bifurcated) are apparently built around the premise that rich parents need something to do with their kids during the summer.
I think I can do some good for this country by blowing up this entire structure. Back in real America, if you’re 12 and it’s summer, you find your ass a job. There’s no excuse for being in junior high and not knowing how to at least operate a grain cart. So we take all these privileged children, and put them to work picking strawberries and melons in fields across the country. We would boost the economy and help Long Island be a little less of a joke in the process.
The economic boost would be immediate. Picking jobs are available, Americans just aren’t willing to do them – which is why we have to import our labor. These children would be taking jobs from migrant workers that typically send a large portion of their wages back home through remittances. Instead of that money going to Mexico and the Dominican Republic, it stays here to be spent on Ralph Lauren shirts that, though manufactured in Vietnam, are sold in American malls.
The bigger benefit, however, is that Long Island gets its shit in order. The place is seriously an embarrassment. The kids it produces need to learn what it’s like to work for something. Floating this idea over the weekend, I was told the kids would just refuse to work. Good. Then they don’t eat. Maybe they’ll starve. One more problem solved. Bitter end.
I think I can do some good for this country by blowing up this entire structure. Back in real America, if you’re 12 and it’s summer, you find your ass a job. There’s no excuse for being in junior high and not knowing how to at least operate a grain cart. So we take all these privileged children, and put them to work picking strawberries and melons in fields across the country. We would boost the economy and help Long Island be a little less of a joke in the process.
The economic boost would be immediate. Picking jobs are available, Americans just aren’t willing to do them – which is why we have to import our labor. These children would be taking jobs from migrant workers that typically send a large portion of their wages back home through remittances. Instead of that money going to Mexico and the Dominican Republic, it stays here to be spent on Ralph Lauren shirts that, though manufactured in Vietnam, are sold in American malls.
The bigger benefit, however, is that Long Island gets its shit in order. The place is seriously an embarrassment. The kids it produces need to learn what it’s like to work for something. Floating this idea over the weekend, I was told the kids would just refuse to work. Good. Then they don’t eat. Maybe they’ll starve. One more problem solved. Bitter end.
Friday, August 5, 2011
(How To) Teach the Controversy
If I were a biology teacher in Louisiana, Texas, Kansas, et cetera and asked to teach creationism, I would reply that I am a science teacher. Given my loathe for science, I don’t see how this would ever be a scenario, but that would still be my reply. If the response was that I was expected to ‘teach the controversy,’ I would accept the demand without any argument.
At some point in the year we would have a class based on psychology and people’s mental needs. We would cover the urge to explain things regardless of tangible evidence supporting the explanations, with supernatural beings traditionally held responsible for most events that societies had no control over. Next we’d hit the fact that likelihood of survival is increased if one is more willing to follow the group, giving rise to the fallacy of the appeal to popularity and resistance to questioning one’s institutions. The final 60 seconds would go: people traditionally turned to religion to explain things, and the Judeo-Christian background of your ancestors used the Adam and Eve story to explain how people came to be. People were afraid to challenge this because society has never treated questioning scientists very well – particularly when the questions challenge the authority of the church. As such, the controversy prevents more serious scientific discussion. Later on, some people figured this’d be a great thing to politicize and develop into a wedge issue. In short, people are closed minded and opposed to whatever the church campaigns against. Republican strategists manipulate this in an effective manner, well aware that in the midst of adversity voters really do cling to their guns and religion. You have now been taught the controversy. Enjoy your weekend kids!
At some point in the year we would have a class based on psychology and people’s mental needs. We would cover the urge to explain things regardless of tangible evidence supporting the explanations, with supernatural beings traditionally held responsible for most events that societies had no control over. Next we’d hit the fact that likelihood of survival is increased if one is more willing to follow the group, giving rise to the fallacy of the appeal to popularity and resistance to questioning one’s institutions. The final 60 seconds would go: people traditionally turned to religion to explain things, and the Judeo-Christian background of your ancestors used the Adam and Eve story to explain how people came to be. People were afraid to challenge this because society has never treated questioning scientists very well – particularly when the questions challenge the authority of the church. As such, the controversy prevents more serious scientific discussion. Later on, some people figured this’d be a great thing to politicize and develop into a wedge issue. In short, people are closed minded and opposed to whatever the church campaigns against. Republican strategists manipulate this in an effective manner, well aware that in the midst of adversity voters really do cling to their guns and religion. You have now been taught the controversy. Enjoy your weekend kids!
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Official Release Party!!!
Following much pressure from attention-crazed media whores, the state of Hawaii has officially released Obama's long-form birth certificate (something, btw, it does not do as a matter of standard protocol - even for Presidents). Validating much suspicion from the aforementioned whores, the certificate, while confirming the man is a US citizen, also states that he is a Muslim. Congratulations to those who held strong through everything, never shying away in the face of minimal media criticism. And a special thanks goes out to all those who provided a national platform for the incendiary accusations over the past three years; CNN, Fox, et. al.: we couldn't have done it without you.
President Obama's Long Form Birth Certificate
View more documents from White House
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
An Unfit Governor
Chris Christie has demonstrated during this moment of crisis that he is unfit to be serve as Governor of New Jersey. During last weekend's devastating snowstorm that stranded me in Kansas for two days, parts of New Jersey got 32 inches of snow in 24 hours. This is roughly the equivalent of Antartica being dumped on your house. Twice. However, Christie was busy embarking on a 'Disney World Vacation,' and failed to return from Disney World to oversee the response.
Christie's failure to return during an emergency, particularly when given a week's notice to prepare for returning, has been described as a deriliction of duty. I fear this bombastic talk takes our eyes off the ball. Here's the ball: what lunatic would visit Disney World during Christmas? I'd rather sit around the hotel and have the busboy drum my forehead with a pin hammer than leave my room.
And here's the craziest part: Christie actually had an opportunity to escape! Many a man has been drug into the hell that is Disney because his wife and kids wouldn't stop whining about how it would be a fun opportunity to spend time together because he simply couldn't negotiate a way out. Christie, on the other hand, has the greatest excuse ever: 'sorry hon, but Antartica just got dumped on New Jersey (twice). Gotta go rescue the state. I'll try to get back as soon as possible, but this looks like one sticky wicket of a situation. So if the State of New Jersey needs me longer than anticipated, you navigate the teeming crowds of screaming, vomit-covered children without me.' And just like that, Christie would be a free man.
The conclusion here is obvious: Chris Christie is the most incompetent man in the face of emergency I've ever read about. Not because of his abscense - the Secretary of Transportation and Adjucant General should be the primary responders to snowstorms, even if the Governor is available. Additionally, I don't know if the state would be any more well off if Christie had returned. However, his refusal to exploit the most opportune excuse to escape Gehenna exposes him as unfit to continue serving as Governor; even in a state as grisly as Jersey.
Christie's failure to return during an emergency, particularly when given a week's notice to prepare for returning, has been described as a deriliction of duty. I fear this bombastic talk takes our eyes off the ball. Here's the ball: what lunatic would visit Disney World during Christmas? I'd rather sit around the hotel and have the busboy drum my forehead with a pin hammer than leave my room.
And here's the craziest part: Christie actually had an opportunity to escape! Many a man has been drug into the hell that is Disney because his wife and kids wouldn't stop whining about how it would be a fun opportunity to spend time together because he simply couldn't negotiate a way out. Christie, on the other hand, has the greatest excuse ever: 'sorry hon, but Antartica just got dumped on New Jersey (twice). Gotta go rescue the state. I'll try to get back as soon as possible, but this looks like one sticky wicket of a situation. So if the State of New Jersey needs me longer than anticipated, you navigate the teeming crowds of screaming, vomit-covered children without me.' And just like that, Christie would be a free man.
The conclusion here is obvious: Chris Christie is the most incompetent man in the face of emergency I've ever read about. Not because of his abscense - the Secretary of Transportation and Adjucant General should be the primary responders to snowstorms, even if the Governor is available. Additionally, I don't know if the state would be any more well off if Christie had returned. However, his refusal to exploit the most opportune excuse to escape Gehenna exposes him as unfit to continue serving as Governor; even in a state as grisly as Jersey.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Let's Talk About...
I caught a glimpse of this once, but thought it was a joke. Unfortunately, it's not. After you watch it, make sure to take some time out from shoveling your sidewalk this week. During that timeout, smack yourself in the face with said shovel:
People often express fears re: the downfall of America. When 'The Situation' is winning policy debates, I'd argue we're already scraping the bottom of the barrel. Additionally, Bristol is now in an idiotic feud with Keith Olbermann. Best case scenario? Two people I contravene engage in the lamest gang war ever. Of course, we can all predict the final outcome: Sarah Palin earns a kill shot against Olbermann from a helicopter.
People often express fears re: the downfall of America. When 'The Situation' is winning policy debates, I'd argue we're already scraping the bottom of the barrel. Additionally, Bristol is now in an idiotic feud with Keith Olbermann. Best case scenario? Two people I contravene engage in the lamest gang war ever. Of course, we can all predict the final outcome: Sarah Palin earns a kill shot against Olbermann from a helicopter.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Sexy Time
If I'm a sex ed teacher and a rational actor, I press strongly for my school to adopt an abstinence-only program. This was particularly true during the Bush years, when millions of tax dollars where given to schools willing to adopt such a curriculum. Either way, rational actors do what is most likely to keep them in a job. This means maximizing the number of children entering the school system, so that demand for your job is high. And this means abstinence-only education programs. Boom!
Monday, August 16, 2010
To Protect Freedom, We Must Destroy It
Opposition to the Islamic community center (minaret-less mosque?) within walking distance of Ground Zero is one of the most important stances that we as Americans can take to ensure our safety. Understanding that in 2001 we were attacked because 'they hate our freedoms' ('they' being Muslims, who are inherently terroristic in nature), the best way to dissuade future attacks is to limit freedom of religion, affiliation, and organization. And nothing can better prove our country's commitment to limiting the freedoms of its citizenry than a systematic dismemberment of the 1st amendment. Please stop this construction, for the sake of our safety and the safety of our troops overseas. Pray that the lawsuit to block its development is successful.
In September I'm moving to New York, while Marya is headed to DC. Tuesday night's news covered a story on a koran-burning to protest the new mosque development. News stories like this are fun - they allow for unique debates such as 'who's newly adopted residence faces the greater terrorist threat increase due to such acts of jingoism and bigotry?'
What is it with Christians buying books to burn anyway? It's like a vegetarian buying meat to burn - you got your market signals totally bass ackwards. Similar to book burnings, my veggie scenario also has a name. It's called BBQ, and is best accompanied by football and Keystone Light. Yes folks, it's August, and football season is upon us. Praise be to Bill Snyder.
In September I'm moving to New York, while Marya is headed to DC. Tuesday night's news covered a story on a koran-burning to protest the new mosque development. News stories like this are fun - they allow for unique debates such as 'who's newly adopted residence faces the greater terrorist threat increase due to such acts of jingoism and bigotry?'
What is it with Christians buying books to burn anyway? It's like a vegetarian buying meat to burn - you got your market signals totally bass ackwards. Similar to book burnings, my veggie scenario also has a name. It's called BBQ, and is best accompanied by football and Keystone Light. Yes folks, it's August, and football season is upon us. Praise be to Bill Snyder.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
You're Invited!
Dear President Barack Obama,
First, I would like to congratulate you on choosing the University of Michigan to provide the commencement address to the class of 2010. (You may think it odd for me to be congratulating you on this decision, but I believe all smart choices should be commended.) As a graduating Master of Public Policy Student at the Ford School of Public Policy, you should know that I'm totally stoked about your arrival - even if we do share our differences on both policy approaches and methods of governance.
As you are likely well aware, John F. Kennedy once used the stairs of the Michigan Student Union to outline his vision of the Peace Corps to the world. We boast a proud, progressive history here that captures the American Dream while ushering in bold new ideas to make this nation even greater. Commencement addresses can be an excellent platform to reveal grand visions that produce laudable fruition, e.g., the Marshall Plan, and high expectations are set for the plan you will provide to over 100,000 onlookers. *Spoiler Alert*: Does our potential to become America's Clean Energy Hub have a role in the inspiration you hope to instill in us?
Additionally, I would like to take this time to formerly extend an invitation to celebrate the graduation of the Class of 2010 at Das Pink Haus. The residence of 902 Brown is a mere two blocks from the stadium, greatly reducing your travel time. During our time together you will find the bathrooms clean, the furniture comfortable, and the space spacious. It is occupied by masters students at the Ford School of Public Policy, and includes many a loyal supporter. Drinks we be on the house, for your money will be no good here (unless, of course, you don't mind printing a little more to help out some guys graduating with pesky student loans). In return for your visit, we promise impartial feedback on the new plan you will introduce on May 1. Economic, statistical, cultural, and other analysis is assured from some of the best future minds in the business. A personal concentration in the nexus between the environment and energy systems enhances my personal excitement regarding your proposal for a new generation of sustainable energy systems (sorry if I'm dictating content too much here).
We'd like to keep the event low-key, so try to invite too many friends over; Carol Browner and a couple others are free to stop by, but they're gonna have to chip in $5 for a plastic cup. I know you're an extremely busy man responsible for fixing a legacy of problems caused by past and present forces, so you needn't respond immediately to this invite. However, an RSVP (including regrets) by April would be much appreciated so we can determine what to do with roommate Jason Arredondo (he's an entrenched member of the Chicago political machine, and would be no good to have around you). If you have any other questions, or need me to text presidential convoy instructions, please don't hesitate to contact me. My number is (785) 580-XXXX. It's easiest to reach me in the morning, but I can take a call in class as long as I don't miss too much lecture. Good luck putting GHG emissions back on the table, and I hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
Dave Thoman
P.S. Tell Bob Gates he also drinks for free.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Headlines
Swine Flu Hits America: Combination of Funny Name and Almost 10 Unconfirmed Cases Inspires Media's Biggest Boner Since Lewinsky-Gate.
Obama Releases Torture Memos. America is Shocked That Something Bush Used was Used.
Kim Jong Il Announces Book Deal With Penguin Press; Holding Your Breath: 101 Ways to Get Attention When Crying and Pounding the Floor Become Passe.
Arlen Specter Plays Turncoat. Republicans Split Into Two Camps: Those Who Claimed Specter Eats Babies for Breakfast After He Voted for the Stimulus, Those Who Claimed Specter Eats Babies for Breakfast After He Voted for the Stimulus and Can't Believe He Took it Personally.
Limbaugh Excited Over Potential for a 'Real Republican' Senator From Pennsylvania, Pops (Medically-Induced) Boner Bigger Than the Drive-Bys'.
Britain Announces Pull-Out in Iraq. The Small Neighborhood Its Troops Patrolled Will Miss Them.
Chrysler Files for Raisins.
Dave Gets First 'A' in Grad School.
Obama Releases Torture Memos. America is Shocked That Something Bush Used was Used.
Kim Jong Il Announces Book Deal With Penguin Press; Holding Your Breath: 101 Ways to Get Attention When Crying and Pounding the Floor Become Passe.
Arlen Specter Plays Turncoat. Republicans Split Into Two Camps: Those Who Claimed Specter Eats Babies for Breakfast After He Voted for the Stimulus, Those Who Claimed Specter Eats Babies for Breakfast After He Voted for the Stimulus and Can't Believe He Took it Personally.
Limbaugh Excited Over Potential for a 'Real Republican' Senator From Pennsylvania, Pops (Medically-Induced) Boner Bigger Than the Drive-Bys'.
Britain Announces Pull-Out in Iraq. The Small Neighborhood Its Troops Patrolled Will Miss Them.
Chrysler Files for Raisins.
Dave Gets First 'A' in Grad School.
Friday, January 9, 2009
The Midnight Run of Dave Thoman
| (To celebrate 24 hours without a cast, a commemoration) Gather 'round dear children, for quite the harrowing tale; 'tis concerning one Dave Thoman, a hero tough as nails. Studying for Public Finance, he took a study break; whilst seeking finals relief, he suffered another break. Running the trails of the Arb, one late Wednesday night; he first took a spill, then experienced a great fright. Jogging downhill, covered in snow; a nasty patch of ice he went down - oh no! Now sliding downhill, riding an ankle turned round wrong; he knew he was in trouble, in a situation he didn't belong. Lying at the base, his ankle likely sprained; fears of spending the night there began filling his brain. He tried hopping uphill on his left foot; but the slope was so slick, he simply couldn't. His first thought of 'oh shit,' manifested to 'oh fuck;' "It's below freezing outside, am I out of luck?" Crawling out now, on hands and knee; 'twas a perilous situation, we all can agree. Finally reaching entrance, his hands painfully frozen; he waves down a pedestrian, to call a cab and save'em. Refusing a ride to ER, he hoped 'twas just a sprain; but couldn't sleep all night long, due to the intense pain. A morning visit to UHS revealed a minor break, and this was when he realized the extent of his mistake. But he bravely battled onward, a Public Finance final that afternoon; not having slept and high on codeine, whose combined effects made him swoon. Dave Is Awesome |
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