You're Invited!

Dear President Barack Obama,

First, I would like to congratulate you on choosing the University of Michigan to provide the commencement address to the class of 2010. (You may think it odd for me to be congratulating you on this decision, but I believe all smart choices should be commended.) As a graduating Master of Public Policy Student at the Ford School of Public Policy, you should know that I'm totally stoked about your arrival - even if we do share our differences on both policy approaches and methods of governance.

As you are likely well aware, John F. Kennedy once used the stairs of the Michigan Student Union to outline his vision of the Peace Corps to the world. We boast a proud, progressive history here that captures the American Dream while ushering in bold new ideas to make this nation even greater. Commencement addresses can be an excellent platform to reveal grand visions that produce laudable fruition, e.g., the Marshall Plan, and high expectations are set for the plan you will provide to over 100,000 onlookers. *Spoiler Alert*: Does our potential to become America's Clean Energy Hub have a role in the inspiration you hope to instill in us?

Additionally, I would like to take this time to formerly extend an invitation to celebrate the graduation of the Class of 2010 at Das Pink Haus. The residence of 902 Brown is a mere two blocks from the stadium, greatly reducing your travel time. During our time together you will find the bathrooms clean, the furniture comfortable, and the space spacious. It is occupied by masters students at the Ford School of Public Policy, and includes many a loyal supporter. Drinks we be on the house, for your money will be no good here (unless, of course, you don't mind printing a little more to help out some guys graduating with pesky student loans). In return for your visit, we promise impartial feedback on the new plan you will introduce on May 1. Economic, statistical, cultural, and other analysis is assured from some of the best future minds in the business. A personal concentration in the nexus between the environment and energy systems enhances my personal excitement regarding your proposal for a new generation of sustainable energy systems (sorry if I'm dictating content too much here).

We'd like to keep the event low-key, so try to invite too many friends over; Carol Browner and a couple others are free to stop by, but they're gonna have to chip in $5 for a plastic cup. I know you're an extremely busy man responsible for fixing a legacy of problems caused by past and present forces, so you needn't respond immediately to this invite. However, an RSVP (including regrets) by April would be much appreciated so we can determine what to do with roommate Jason Arredondo (he's an entrenched member of the Chicago political machine, and would be no good to have around you). If you have any other questions, or need me to text presidential convoy instructions, please don't hesitate to contact me. My number is (785) 580-XXXX. It's easiest to reach me in the morning, but I can take a call in class as long as I don't miss too much lecture. Good luck putting GHG emissions back on the table, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely,

Dave Thoman

P.S. Tell Bob Gates he also drinks for free.

Headlines

Swine Flu Hits America: Combination of Funny Name and Almost 10 Unconfirmed Cases Inspires Media's Biggest Boner Since Lewinsky-Gate.

Obama Releases Torture Memos. America is Shocked That Something Bush Used was Used.

 Kim Jong Il Announces Book Deal With Penguin Press; Holding Your Breath: 101 Ways to Get Attention When Crying and Pounding the Floor Become Passe.

 Arlen Specter Plays Turncoat. Republicans Split Into Two Camps: Those Who Claimed Specter Eats Babies for Breakfast After He Voted for the Stimulus, Those Who Claimed Specter Eats Babies for Breakfast After He Voted for the Stimulus and Can't Believe He Took it Personally.

 Limbaugh Excited Over Potential for a 'Real Republican' Senator From Pennsylvania, Pops (Medically-Induced) Boner Bigger Than the Drive-Bys'.

 Britain Announces Pull-Out in Iraq. The Small Neighborhood Its Troops Patrolled Will Miss Them.

Chrysler Files for Raisins.

 Dave Gets First 'A' in Grad School.

The Midnight Run of Dave Thoman

(To celebrate 24 hours without a cast, a commemoration) Gather 'round dear children, for quite the harrowing tale; 'tis concerning one Dave Thoman, a hero tough as nails. Studying for Public Finance, he took a study break; whilst seeking finals relief, he suffered another break. Running the trails of the Arb, one late Wednesday night; he first took a spill, then experienced a great fright. Jogging downhill, covered in snow; a nasty patch of ice he went down - oh no! Now sliding downhill, riding an ankle turned round wrong; he knew he was in trouble, in a situation he didn't belong. Lying at the base, his ankle likely sprained; fears of spending the night there began filling his brain. He tried hopping uphill on his left foot; but the slope was so slick, he simply couldn't. His first thought of 'oh shit,' manifested to 'oh fuck;' "It's below freezing outside, am I out of luck?" Crawling out now, on hands and knee; 'twas a perilous situation, we all can agree. Finally reaching entrance, his hands painfully frozen; he waves down a pedestrian, to call a cab and save'em. Refusing a ride to ER, he hoped 'twas just a sprain; but couldn't sleep all night long, due to the intense pain. A morning visit to UHS revealed a minor break, and this was when he realized the extent of his mistake. But he bravely battled onward, a Public Finance final that afternoon; not having slept and high on codeine, whose combined effects made him swoon. Dave Is Awesome

What I Learned This Semester, Part Deuce

(Another round of brutal introspection, plus more reinforcements of previously existent notions)

1. America. This is obvious - America is always number one. Amurica is 1A.

2. Car beats pedestrian. I've gotten cocky recently, crossing the street at dangerous moments and zipping through red lights when out for runs, telling myself that pedestrians have the right of way. Fair enough, we'll accept this in a vacuum. Yet as evidenced by the jackass turning right on a red light as I attempted to cross Huron and Main last week, car still beats pedestrian in reality. Theory vs. Application.

3. All of my beliefs regarding the sketchy quality of items purchased over the internet, shattered.

4. Dorothy was an idiot. I'm going home to Kansas over winter break, but wishing for courage, heart, or a brain would all be preferable. I'll brag here and say I've got a bit of brain (no sexual puns, please); courage and heart would still be better requests than going home to Kansas. Wizard should've bitch-slapped her.

5. This software does not recognize the word 'bitchslapped,' and suggests 'bitch-slapped' instead. Just learned that one.

6. My taste in music is actually declining. This is interesting because you would've thought I hit rock bottom around the second time I attended the Warped Tour. I was under the impression you were supposed to develop a finer palate as you aged, but I swear to god that at this rate, in two years I'll consider a good live concert a collection of four howler monkeys banging on trashcans.

7. I'm still very much driven by fear. It's principally counterproductive. In fact, extremely so.

8. I find amusement in peculiar endeavors that ultimately come back to bite me in the ass. There's no deeper explanation for these actions than a desire to be contrarian. For example, I'm constantly giving Pandora random feedback to fuck with its algorithms. The result is the occasional song selection that does not sound like howler monkeys banging on trash cans - an unfortunate ramification.

9. I support biofuels. Too complicated to explain in a paragraph. Suffice to say, this is an about-face from past beliefs (in spite of my agricultural background), but demands a caveat: current corn ethanol policy still blows.

10. Thank god my house has cooks. Left to my devices over finals week, I just kinda quit eating. This is one of those 'reinforcements of preexisting notions.' I quit eating regularly after moving out of the dorms four years ago. I don't think apathy and/or forgetting to eat meets the definition of eating disorder - I just have a lazy disorder.

11. Dropped into new surroundings with no associations, I will associate people with others I know and treat them thusly. I don't think it's a problem to treat others similarly based on who they remind you of based on actions. Greg Holman is a total Marcus Schultz-Bergin, and I interact with both in a similar manner. But Matt Schaar does not act like Kyle Brown. They still bear a striking resemblance in appearance, and my reaction's to Schaar's comments were influenced by how I would talk to Brown. Jaylon McCoy and Jason Arredondo - another great example.

This was never actually a problem, but I can see how it would be. If we remember back to List First, one of my points was that Dave is a tool. Knowing someone tells me how best to suck up to them. Yet in the future, this could cause me to totally take the wrong approach if I treat people based on their resemblance to someone I know.

This never happened before. I mean, I'm really shallow and judge people based on appearances, but that's different. I think moving to a new place, I got lonely and forced familiarity onto something foreign. What're really interesting are the potentially broader implications for this. What if I got a new dog in a new city, and it looked like my old dog. Would I still treat here like Flower? Scary, I know.

12. Captain Morgan Private Stock rum, space heater, layers

13. Much as I despise the piss beer that is Keystone, the region's refusal to carry it has left me pining for a pack of 30 stones. This is a promise to my friends back home.

14. I'm older than I think I am, and much older than I look. Basketball and broomball have destroyed my knees, and threaten my quest for Boston. I've also drank, smoked, and missed sleep more this semester than any other time in my life. Just trying to kill myself off before I get too old.

15. When you go to the Arb at night, the light from the city is just bright enough to find your way around the running paths. I could run all night, just alone and one with nature. When everything else in the world seems wrong, it's a beautiful solace to experience.