The REAL Reason Dave Will Die Single

I was trying to figure out dinner tonight and engaged in the following inner monologue:
"Is that mold?
"Whatever, it's cool.
"It's a good thing I don't have kids."

It's off to Buffalo in about five hours - who's ready for a four day rager?

Facebook's Value

is currently $19.41.  Maybe it would be worth more if it was good for more than just two things: attention-seeking (which is why all my blog posts get posted on my Facebook), and stalking. It's also good for shorting (back to talking stock prices), but that's only because investors are apparently as deft as we knew they were. Within the attention-seeking value of Facebook we identify two subgroups: complaining (e.g., feel bad for me, this thing happened and I wasn't willing to confront the perpetrator because I was scared and/or it wasn't societally acceptable so I'm foisting it upon you instead, etc.) and braggadociousness (e.g., my use of 'braggadociousness' is pretty fucking awesome). In this note I do both, because, as has been established via myriad mediums, I'm pretty awesome.

So I ran the Turning Stone half marathon this morning, and it really reinforced how big of assholes runners are. After the race I watched the finals of a four day billiards tournament, got some chow, and just wandered around watching old people transfer their children's inheritance to some Indian Nation one 50¢ lever pull at a time. By this point I'd changed, sporting a nondescript t-shirt, shorts, and sandals. Yet I kept seeing people walking around with their numbers still safety pinned to their shirts and wearing the medal around their necks (every finisher gets a medal - it's like an elementary school track meet). Good job, you finished, congratulations. But seriously, you look like an asshole wearing that ribbon around your neck. Besides, it's heavy and the ribbon has sharp threads poking out. It can't be comfortable. You're uncomfortable to boot? That makes you an asshole and an idiot. I'm not impressed.

The reason I'm not impressed is because I beat you (get ready for the complaining-to-braggadociousness transition). How do I know I beat you? Because real runners win real hardware.

Now give me some likes.

What Happens If Our OTHER Running Back Goes Down?

Cranking out some ideas for my first article featured in Arrowhead Addict. I'm excited about working with the idea of 'who's more indispensable' going forward - it wrangles with the strategic balance of roster building in weighing who provides not just the most value to the team, but also the most net value (i.e., but for that player's presence, what is the team able to achieve?). 

Jamaal Charles is the best running back the Chiefs have. I could recite his accomplishments and drone on about how I believe he will come back from last year's injury just fine, but there's no use in preaching to the choir here. What you may not be ready to hear is that Charles not only fails to carry the title of "most indispensable to the team," he's not even the most indispensable at his position; Peyton Hillis's presence is more important to our success this year.

To avoid being immediately suspended from ever writing again, let me qualify that paragraph by saying I'm not merely judging what a player brings to the table - I'm also evaluating how readily their talents can be replaced. A 1,600 yard season for Charles and 1,000 yard season for Hillis are reasonable expectations. But without Hillis, we have no change-of-pace bruiser. Currently on the roster at fullback are Shane Bannon, who spent his rookie year in 2011 on the practice squad, and Taylor Gentry, an undrafted rookie out of North Carolina State. Unless one of these guys exceeds expectations during training camp, there is no reliable replacement to run between the tackles and provide burly backfield pass protection if Hillis goes down.

Last year Jackie Battle led the team in rushing while Thomas Jones ranked third. They're never coming back. Dexter McCluster caught 46 receptions and was second on the team in rushing while averaging 4.5 yards/carry in 2011. McCluster is also 5'8", 170 lbs. He's a serviceable substitute for Charles, but not Hillis. He's an exciting player who may not deliver Pro Bowl talent, but can provide  backup if needed to move in from wide receiver. Additionally, with the glut of receivers the Chiefs suddenly find themselves blessed with, moving McCluster back into the backfield wouldn't be that damaging to the receiving corps - we should still have a solid set of receivers plus Moeaki at TE. Cyrus Gray also intrigues me, and provides about the same size as Charles.

There is no doubt in my mind that Charles's contributions will be greater than Hillis's this year. Yet in the event of some unforeseen event depriving us of this extraordinary backfield duo, I'm gritting my teeth and professing a preference for keeping Hillis. Besides, we'll need a bruiser in January to run out the clock as Peyton Manning watches the time wind down to zero to record our first playoff win in far too long. 

So whaddaya think Addicts, is there enough talent on the roster to compensate for another year without Jamaal Charles? Or should I stop writing and just go back to reading Arrowhead Addict from the sidelines?

Hot Gay Latinos

I was listening to some smart commentary a couple weeks ago about how Obama has (smartly) cherry-picked certain policies to excite an otherwise (very) unexcited base. Gay marriage energizes Hollywood elites and rich benefactors with a personal interest in the matter (even if his support is limited to not opposing states that recognize same-sex marriages). This is important because he needs money. The recent position decision to provide children of illegal immigrants a pathway to citizenship energizes the Latino vote. This is important because otherwise these people aren't going to show up. Call it cynical politics, smart politics, bad policy, or smart policy. I'm it calling strategy. He's got the money and the voters, but is missing an essential link - the mobilization effort. This will require the work of either students or greenies. Smart money is on the greenies. If Obama was gonna do something to excite students, it needed to be done a month ago. Now summer break is halfway over and 20-year-olds are already preoccupied with shitty summer jobs and awkwardly hooking up with old high school flings while skyping with their college boy/girlfriends every other night. He'll need them in the fall, but it just doesn't make sense to believe they'll provide support like in 2008.

However, there's a perfect storm calling for the green mobilization machine. Environmentalists have taken a backseat to everyone but the typewriter lobby since the failed cap and trade effort of 2009. They've been grumbling for three years about how every major liberal group got something big accomplished but them. They're not happy. As such, your current Campaigner In Chief needs to do something to get them to go pound the pavement and telephone lines. The weather this summer has been ridiculous, and the time to pounce is probably this week:

(The ten day forecast back home in KS)

Exploit the weather now! Between half the western US being on fire, Florida going underwater, and the enthusiasm bump from environmentalists finally getting some attention, it seems like the thing Obama could pounce on. (Remember kids - always point to peculiar weather events as confirmation/disprove. Both sides love using anecdotal evidence to back up their science.) Plus, as of Tuesday there's less uncertainty about whether the EPA can go forward with regulating GHGs under the Clean Air Act after a federal appeals court ruled the EPA was “unambiguously correct” in its legal rationale behind regulating greenhouse gases. Probably highlight the legal triumph and use it to bolster your argument for the new GHG policy.

The flip side of this is that the Obama team recognizes how unhappy the markets will be at the prospect of an energy tax, making economic output sink, and really giving conservatives to rally around and drum up more support from business. With Europe unable to remove itself from one huge clusterf*** and China slowing down, the Dow is just looking for an excuse to plummet back to 11,000. As such, I think it's iffy politics. It'll also be done in a way that's dumb policy. After the SCOTUS ruling today upholding the health care mandate, I don't know if the administration prefers to bask in the glow of 'winning' or would rather divert attention away from an unpopular law. Just don't discount the possibility of a cap and trade announcement coming to a campaign near you.

Building a New Cuckoo Cuckoo Nest

Apparently Anders Behring Breivik (mass murderer from Norway) is getting a psychiatric ward built solely for him. I oppose the death penalty, and I think I can give a pretty enlightened argument to support my position. This, however, is a step too far. The Slate article also discusses how prison officials announced plans to hire "friends" for Breivik because they’re unwilling to restrict him to solitary confinement but also do not want to subject other inmates to him, worried he may try to take hostages. The "professional community" will have tasks that include playing indoor hockey and chess with Breivik. I think it's fair to say society has no use for this man. Without a use for him, there is no reason to maintain him. I won't protest his early retirement from life.