Thursday, April 30, 2009


Swine Flu Hits America: Combination of Funny Name and Almost 10 Unconfirmed Cases Inspires Media's Biggest Boner Since Lewinsky-Gate.

Obama Releases Torture Memos. America is Shocked That Something Bush Used was Used.

 Kim Jong Il Announces Book Deal With Penguin Press; Holding Your Breath: 101 Ways to Get Attention When Crying and Pounding the Floor Become Passe.

 Arlen Specter Plays Turncoat. Republicans Split Into Two Camps: Those Who Claimed Specter Eats Babies for Breakfast After He Voted for the Stimulus, Those Who Claimed Specter Eats Babies for Breakfast After He Voted for the Stimulus and Can't Believe He Took it Personally.

 Limbaugh Excited Over Potential for a 'Real Republican' Senator From Pennsylvania, Pops (Medically-Induced) Boner Bigger Than the Drive-Bys'.

 Britain Announces Pull-Out in Iraq. The Small Neighborhood Its Troops Patrolled Will Miss Them.

Chrysler Files for Raisins.

 Dave Gets First 'A' in Grad School.

Friday, January 9, 2009

The Midnight Run of Dave Thoman

(To celebrate 24 hours without a cast, a commemoration)

Gather 'round dear children,
for quite the harrowing tale;
'tis concerning one Dave Thoman,
a hero tough as nails.

Studying for Public Finance,
he took a study break;
whilst seeking finals relief,
he suffered another break.

Running the trails of the Arb,
one late Wednesday night;
he first took a spill,
then experienced a great fright.

Jogging downhill,
covered in snow;
a nasty patch of ice
he went down - oh no!

Now sliding downhill,
riding an ankle turned round wrong;
he knew he was in trouble,
in a situation he didn't belong.

Lying at the base,
his ankle likely sprained;
fears of spending the night there
began filling his brain.

He tried hopping uphill
on his left foot;
but the slope was so slick,
he simply couldn't.

His first thought of 'oh shit,'
manifested to 'oh fuck;'
"It's below freezing outside,
am I out of luck?"

Crawling out now,
on hands and knee;
'twas a perilous situation,
we all can agree.

Finally reaching entrance,
his hands painfully frozen;
he waves down a pedestrian,
to call a cab and save'em.

Refusing a ride to ER,
he hoped 'twas just a sprain;
but couldn't sleep all night long,
due to the intense pain.

A morning visit to UHS
revealed a minor break,
and this was when he realized
the extent of his mistake.

But he bravely battled onward,
a Public Finance final that afternoon;
not having slept and high on codeine,
whose combined effects made him swoon.

Dave Is Awesome